The Hard Way

Some things you have to learn the hard way. How to squeeze a dollar from a dime. How to stick up for yourself. How to say you are sorry. So here are things I have learned so far.

1. Don't let anyone make you doubt yourself. Take a closer look at what you've been doing, and if it stands up to scrutiny, ignore those who would just say stuff for spite.

2. Some time you aren't just wrong, you're wrong at the top of your voice.

3. One person is a complainer. Two, three, four or more and maybe you should re-visit your decisions.

4. They don't pay enough to stress me out.

This year I'm starting a new quest to find a better position in my company. I'm going to apply to anything they will let me. Because I've been hanging on by my fingernails for long enough. It's time to let go.

Had to learn that the hard way too.

The Sum of All Things

There is a limit past which one cannot be pushed. There is a line in the sand. Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further. There is nothing more to learn, no mountain unclimbed, where you simply hold the line and wait for rescue that, most often, never comes.

They will tell you many things. Things you take on faith, things you want to believe. That you would be rewarded, that you had earned your place. Only to have those rewards evaporate and the place go to someone else. Sometimes you feel like you live on a chessboard, and people move you around, but because you cannot see the board, you don't where or why.

I'm tired. I'm tired of alot of things. I'm grateful to have a job at all mostly, but I'm tired.

In the Paint

It means that you are in the crucial moments. That all your planning and such can only bring you so far and after that, you have to perform. It can be a wedding that you cater, where you walk into an unknown kitchen, blind, and learn to work without a large pot or enough sheet pans. When you are up to elbows in hot soapy water, trying to scrub the upc code stickers off the shot glasses you bought, because some maladjust thought that it would be cool to put stickers on every.damn.glass.

Or it could be a day like any other, you've got kids to feed, paper to chase, yadda yadda. But then you get a monkey wrench in the form of one of your staff calling in sick. And while you may think to yourself, the next time, they had better be calling in dead, you know you don't mean that. And there is no second string. You are the only string on this violin, so you better tune up and play.

You are in the paint, you have to make your presence felt.

Requiem

We learned not to trust blue skies that day...

There are no words to make the people who were not there understand the fear and confusion of that day. No way to show them the absolute horror of 102 minutes that made you forget your fear of Hell, because you were almost sure Hell was here on Earth. The agony of watching people jump from 80+ floors, wondering how awful it must have been in that building that made them think that quick death was the best choice.

I watch the coverage. I see it every year. It has been a decade since I saw it for the first time. But I can tell you, every year it is just as hard to watch. Every year I cry for those who never went home that night. We have a memorial now...two lovely waterfalls that help us remember the people, the heroes, the courage and the generosity of people who helped people. Even when it cost them their lives.

As if we could ever forget.

Me and My Shadow

My shadow would be the month of August financials for my unit which will not go away. I try to close the month and get numbers that look like I'm breaking the laws of physics, never mind accounting. So this past month has been dogging me, with start-up issues, useless vendors, and a kitchen that, despite all my best efforts, refuses to get below 90 degrees. I just keep telling myself to focus on the food, breathe and relax, but every time I do that, something else happens. So I'm cooking with one eye open for now, until the pressure gets down to a bearable psi. And if I should happen to drop my guard I know that my shadow has got my six.

Just breathe.

Struck Out- In Which I Have a Birthday

Well I recently celebrated a birthday, which is always a blast. My husband came home and my parents came to visit for a weekend and then school started back up all at the same time! Craziness ensued. In an effort to have a good ti
me, we decided to go bowling. Now I have a Wii and I b

owl a crazy game on that thing, but I soon discovered that real bowling is a completely different skill set. Apparently a skill set that I do not have. Guess I won't be putting it on my resume.

Also, there was cake. Made by my friend the Divine Mrs. M. It was gorgeous. Also very tasty. And then my friends at school, who are way too sweet to me, got me a lovely ice cream cake, which was also delicious.

So birthday fun was had by all.

Did Elvis Leave the Building?

Because that must be the reason that I've had nothing to say for 3 months. Not because I haven't done anything, just that I've lacked the inspiration to put it into written words. I've been to New York for a company meeting, learned more about blueberries than I care to know and figured out that is, in fact, impossible to navigate in Manhattan using only an iPhone. It cannot keep up and you will only get yourselves lost again and again. Also, folks in the Bronx do not actually know how to get to LaGuardia. I don't know why.

I've been to Gainesville, GA. If you ever get the chance to go, skip it. And yet I feel like I've only been slogging thru, never really gaining ground. Been spinning my wheels, never doing anything more than get more mud in my tires. The school year is starting soon, and, quel surprise, I'm back where I was. But life is full of these nasty little surprises, you just have to find ways around them. So I know my mojo will come back to me, it always does. Maybe I don't have much enthusiasm but I do have determination. If I'm going to be here another year, I'm going to be successful, regardless of who I have to maim to do it.

Working

It's 27 work days until the school year is done and over. It hasn't yet been decided by folks who know better than me, where I will be next year. If I'll be in a different place or the same one. Presumably, all signs are pointing toward the change that's gonna come. As for me, I'm ready. I think I've hit the law of diminishing returns where I am, where all that will serve is to maintain the status quo. So I'm slogging through my days, washing dishes and cooking food that I really don't even care for anymore and that the kids are tired of, and we while away the hours.

"it's just me and my machine, for the rest of the morning, and the rest of the afternoon, for the rest of my life..."

Lazy Blogger

I've neglected you dreadfully, my friends. I apologize and promise to do much better very soon. More tales of courage and temper tantrums, coming soon...

Funny Valentine

"When you open it to speak, are you smart?" Usually when it comes to meetings, I keep my mouth shut. I am very articulate, but that doesn't always translate to diplomatic. So anything I may say will very likely be used against me later, even if they have to take it out of context to do it. So I stay mute.
It's a strategy that I have adopted after many years in corporate environments. Some good, some that make the Borgias look like a swell family to work for. But occaisonally, I have something to ask. Sometimes, I may even suggest something. Technological savvy is, while not exactly my specialty, is part of my dogma. So when I ask if something is on a Java platform, I'm not expecting the confused looks I get, or when I ask if we're going to put the blog on a feed, I don't expect folks to look at me like I've suddenly turned funny colors. These are smart people I'm in a room with, so I assumed they would be conversant in the details of their presentations. I didn't ask my questions to try to make anyone look dumb, or to confuse anyone. I'm sure, though, that later on down the road, this will come up in some review or whatever, that I'm mouthy and ask complicated questions.

Next time, I'm playing dumb.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem

Or more aptly, shuffling towards Spring Break. It's that time of year. We're tired of the cold, rainy weather. Holidays are over and there isn't much to look forward to, except March and Spring Break. I'm trying desperately to keep my menus interesting, but it's hard to wait for the spring veggies to arrive. I'm getting tired of doing dishes and I think my hands just might fall off. I dream about a kitchen that isn't held together with duct tape and glue, a budget that actually has something to do with reality and kids that do something other than whine. But it's the midwinter doldrums for us, as we schlep ourselves toward spring.

Brand New Year

But largely, the same old thing. Cooking for the kiddos, trying to convince them that veggies are not the enemy. Trying to get back into the gym after the evil martian death flu I'm still recovering from. For some reason, I don't think it would be kosher to try to walk on the treadmill and hack up my lungs. Probably wouldn't be very hygenic either. So I'm staying away from group settings until I can breathe and talk semi-normally. Also, need to kick my NyQuil habit. But that's a battle for another time.

I'm not an addict. I can quit anytime I want.